(Brief background about this piece. Wrote in during June/July and posted it originally in pinoy.md. Posting it here to give something different.)
As the days in Medicine become weeks; these weeks, in turn, has become into a single month. It feels even more because of the manner of teaching and the topics themselves. It feels so easy to turn this written piece into a tirade against medical life but that is the reality of the profession. At a moment’s notice someone might be in need of your expertise and part of the necessary repertoire of skills in a physician’s arsenal is one’s knowledge. And this knowledge has to be metaphorically hammered inside one’s cerebral cortex. One can take the occasional breaks from the hammering but one cannot avoid the inevitable: the hammering will really test a person’s mettle.
Surprisingly, despite this constant hammering; there is time to feel those emotions. Much to one’s chagrin, no matter how much suppression and control that is applied towards the emotions; one’s body betrays itself. So much for being an empty vessel of knowledge, one can’t help being human.
So this is a tirade after all but directed towards that quintessential topic that brings about jitters in unexpected places and suicide in extreme cases: Love. Ah Love, something that is, in reality, simple but we, being human, make it so complicated. It’s responsible for bringing out the best in us but conversely also the worst in us. To make matters worse, Love comes in many types; all types are essentially damning. Well, except Lust because it is straight-forward.
Wear something nice. Spot someone desirable. Smoldering look directed. “Rules” of seduction and then BHAM! One can argue that Love comes before Lust but its like the “Chicken and the Egg analogy”; you really can’t tell which came first. But, you’d be long gone and satisfied before you’d make sense of this quandary.
Wouldn't you know; it is actually possible to be brought back into high school when entering Medicine. No matter how much we tell ourselves that 100% of all attention shall be towards studies only; the body brings your mind towards the aesthetics of your classmates. All rationality ceases when you gaze upon the unfortunate object of your affections. For some reason, you want to be close to that one. No matter how different your worlds are; in this case, college alma maters, you want to always talk with that person. It doesn’t help that you belong in a minority. But that doesn't matter to you; you’d want to be close at hand.
When you notice that she/he is facing difficulty, you’d be overwhelmed with the desire to help. No matter how many times you’ve seen that person; you are compelled to look again. Each successive glance only makes you notice how desirable that person is. No matter how many times you’ve stared at that person’s face; you can’t seem to memorize every pore and crease present. So strategies are devised and one of them is a pathetic attempt to intrude in that person’s circle of friends. You try to strike a conversation and smile at that person but because of the difference in backgrounds, sensibilities and college alma maters; you’re the one that’s left out.
With the blessing of social media, you can now secretly stare at that person (in this case, the photos posted). You never seem to get tired and you notice the posts present. It saddens your heart that some of the posts are about that person’s pining and how it seems that that person is lamenting being ignored. You tell yourself that you can be the source of comfort but you’re just too scared and tell yourself that there’s no way that person is going to fall for one such as me. You then try to strike up a conversation using Facebook but just because the status says “Online” doesn't necessarily mean available. And when that person replies, you can only use Medicine as a cover story to make conversation.
And there are the painful pangs of pre-jealousy. It only becomes jealousy when you’re actually doing something to get that person’s affections and failing. But pre-jealousy hurts just as much as the full-blown version. So, there you are; whose last resorts are futile attempts at strands of conversation either in person or in Facebook. Even more pathetic is following the postings and commenting. But, the most painful of all is being ignored in person because that person’s attention is directed towards another. That, ranks as the most excruciating knife in the metaphorical heart.
Worst of all, much as you try to do the rational thing (either man up and tell that person or totally ignore these emotions); your metaphorical heart betrays you. You’d think that after how many bad experiences in romance, one’s desire towards that all-elusive emotion has been dampened. So you currently fight on. It’s either the feelings of affections die off or grows. Either way, you’re screwed.
In this is all in the first month and first year of Medicine. So, it’s not just time that’s compressed in medical life but all other facets and turmoil of life. God help all physician-to-bes
No comments:
Post a Comment