The Chameleon

Masks and that verb that accompanies it: judging. All of us have masks. Some don masks because of professional reasons. It lessens the dignity of, let's say, a doctor if he/she acts like a child while in the vicinity of his/her office. And some don them because they've been hurt so they wear a fake persona in order to avoid getting hurt. It's safer that people think you're an ass rather than show who you really are. A sense of laughter can be derived from the fact that you show a caricature of yourself.

Well, I've recently confessed to a former batch mate of my decisions and some revelations that you wouldn't expect of me. Let's see: there's this 5'10" guy who always smiles and is seemingly oblivious of the world...but  he contemplated on killing himself. I know, the irony still makes me smile. A very happy guy but had, once upon a time, suicidal tendencies. What, were you expecting me to be all dressed in black and depressed all the time?

Anyway, I also told her that I wasn't really being myself during my time in undergrad. I was scared and scarred because of prior experiences. Let's just say my dislike of a current classmate and my abhorrence for religion is connected. Both are unified by an act of judgement. Anyway, just recently did any lingering sense of self-loathing was washed away but still the caricature remains.

Part of it is my personality. I took the Enneagram Psych test and low and behold; it revealed I'm an Achiever/Perfectionist. Sure, it fit me because I'm always this driven guy but hates conflict and not in touch with his emotions. Believe it or not; really used to be mature thinking and acting back when I was a little kid but kids being judgmental ass-wipes took note and made fun of that. And one of the characteristics of Achievers according to Enneagram is that they are chameleons able to adapt. So adapt I did. My adaptability was so effective that my parents, brothers and close friends were not aware of my past suicidal tendencies. Heck, I even believe half of my classmates believe I am this oblivious jock-looking dumb-ass who is not capable of insight; but again that was the point. A caricature to shield one's heart from potential harm. A decoy so to speak.

Hence, the caricature was made. If you think I'm not aware of how annoying I can get; I'm aware. That is exactly the point. Better people think you're aloof, clueless and a dumb-ass rather than be involved with potential enemies and get potentially hurt. I know, a bit paranoid but when you were raised on a diet of nothing but judgmental bitches, girl classmates who did nothing but judge you and being in the Philippines and being born male you cannot physically nor verbally harm them; you sublimate your rage and anger and channel it into lies. I know, idiotic. We can all laugh about it right now but that was my rationale back then.

So yes, I lie. Everyone lies as Dr. House would say. In my case; I'm an effective liar. Well, maybe not a liar but an effective salesman. I know what to pitch to other people so as they have a "correct" impression of me. I can be friendly, formal and even flirty. Believe me, given the proper instruction, I can assume almost any personality-type. Looking back at it right now; maybe that was why I was so fixated upon finding a relationship. Because the caricature was getting tiresome. Putting up a facade gets tiring even with friends so you long for that person who you can be yourself and you're confident that whatever you say and do will not be met with judgement, only acceptance. Believe me, haven't been honest with any of you people (well except for Unexpected Friends).

Well, I did get that in the form of Tanduay Ice Person. Maybe not the relationship, I got friend-zoned after all, but the non-judgmental encompassing acceptance I've been searching for but sadly, haven't gotten in a long long time. So maybe that's why I'm not anymore caring if Prospect becomes Current Reality. Well, if it progresses into that; all well and good. But it's not anymore a priority. Relationship or friendship is acceptable. More positive energies and outcomes for me! The priority is the insane dream of physician-hood.

But I don't think I'm going to let go of the caricature. It's been a part of me for so long that I'll still be Gibs communicating with people through his Iphone (that was from "Ang Nawawala"; a great Cinemalaya film so watch it now!). So yes, still going to be a suplado but who knows; I'll gradually lift the facade little by little. Maybe a little less annoying but its great fun! Anyway, it's a work in progress and I'm not rushing.

To end it: this was written in response to Classmate code-named "L" who is near my height. And I blame the exchange gift; so effective.