It's that time of the year again. After surviving 4 block exams; I have time to breathe a little bit. Well not too much because I have block exams approximately 10 days after the first day of class in January. And I have to say, I never thought I'd encounter so much difficulty.
For instance, I actually mourn if I get a grade that is low. I metaphorically flagellate myself and imagine I have brought intense dishonor upon the family name; just to give you a very clear picture. I have never done this in high school nor in college. Heck, in college, I'm satisfied if I managed to pass the core subjects. The major subjects come easily to me, for some reason. For the major subjects, I study until 9 pm the day before the exam. And that's it. But in here, I'd actually spend an entire day at a coffee shop reading and re-reading the class transcription and books. I would even maximize the 2 am closing time of said coffee shop.
My diurnal cycle is pretty much destroyed. Before, I easily get sleepy before 9 pm. Now, my minimum sleeping time is 12 midnight. Sometimes, it reaches 2 am. Of course, this means I sleep most of the time in class. At first, I'm embarrassed but as time passed by I can't help it. Sometimes the lectures literally sap your strength away. I'm not even sorry I snore; thankfully, my seatmates wake me up. And yes, one of my friends pointed out how stupid this is but my reasoning is that I earn so-called "guilty points". Meaning I missed the lectures therefore I have to spend the entire night reading and re-reading the transcriptions.
For the love life, well that's pretty much demolished as well. I mean I go out and meet people. But sometimes, I don't tell the truth. I don't tell that I'm a medical student and instead disguise myself as a yuppie. Sometimes, I even regret going to further studies because you're in different worlds. As much as you want to spend your nights and weekends boozing and cruising along Tomas Morato; you can't because it's either you have an exam coming up or you just want to sleep. And let's not forget the difference in intellect. It's a bit difficult meeting someone who can keep up with you in an intellectual conversation so sometimes you have no choice but to dumb yourself down or stay silent.
To be honest, sometimes I question why'd I'd gotten that revelation in the first place. Sometimes I doubt if I'm going to be an excellent physician.
But that changes when I meet patients. Well, at this point I'm not yet the one prescribing drugs or treatment. At first, I felt a bit intimidated because I have to speak in Filipino. Unfortunately, years of watching foreign films and my particular college have obliterated or at least made Filipino words coming from my mouth a bit awkward. And, I always feel anxious because there are some classmates around me and I think, I'm going to make a fool of myself. In short, my nerves always gets the better of me.
However, as time passed by with more patients and with more reading of Bates'; I've gotten used to talking to patients. Filipino will always sound awkward coming from me. Or sometimes, I can't think of the right Filipino word to say in that instant but I push through it. As the year progresses and my knowledge of diseases increases thanks hugely to Pathology; I more or less know what questions to ask and what signs to look for.
Doing a physical examination now comes a bit easier with more patients and more reading. Of course, the neurological examination will always be out of reach. Let us just say, it is so detailed and requires skill in hitting the nerve to elicit your deep tendon reflexes.
And oddly, it feels gratifying knowing the right knowledge and the right way to deliver it to potential patients. May it be a simple cold or a fever. I include the delivery because let's face it, we're dealing with human beings not rational creatures. There are times wherein being direct is not optimal. It may even force your patient not to face his/her diagnosis. So you really have to empathize with a patient. Not all patients are the same and it requires a highly skilled eye and an empathy sense to determine which approach to use.
As I type this, that is the reason why I keep fit: for the potential patients. For what use are you to a patient if you're the one suffering from a debilitating disease. It also increases your chances in getting a date but that's not my only reason. Well, of course it's not easy keeping a work-out schedule in the midst of multiple reading assignments.
So yes, there are lots of things I'd have to sacrifice and I hope I don't become one of those physicians who patients loathe. Also, I don't want to become the stereotypical physician who can't jog or even do push-ups yet will prescribe to his/her patients exercise.
In short, I don't want to become a hypocrite-physician.
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