Religious Masochism

We've all heard this line - "Religion is the opium of the masses" by Karl Marx. However, we do him a great disservice by misquoting him. His critique about religion was about how it glorifies suffering and how it is used by the upper classes to keep the lower classes in their place. Here's the actual quote: 

Religious distress is at the same time the expression of real distress and the protest against real distress. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, just as it is the spirit of a spiritless situation. It is the opium of the people. The abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the people is required for their real happiness. The demand to give up the illusion about its condition is the demand to give up a condition which needs illusions. 

Karl Marx, Critique of Hegel’s Philosophy of Right

So in a way, Marx wasn't totally against religion. If anything; the following excerpt supports his criticism.

I’m a 12 year-old again. Growing up with a shattered sense of worth because I was simply different; I didn’t fit all of societal expectations. There’s this tall and lanky guy who would rather play video games then play sports. He acted funny and even awkward. Oh did I forget to mention he’s smart but that’s not important. Let’s make fun of this tall and lanky guy just because he’s different not to mention he has B.O. 

 I’m in my room, alone with a pair of scissors on the table. I’m crying because I don’t act like the normal guy. I’m always made fun of. I can’t go to my parents and tell them because that would be wimpy. My brothers can’t help me because they can’t understand me; the age gap and all. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to grab the pair of scissors and be able to slice through my wrists; let the blood flow and soak the floor of my room. But for some reason, I can’t. God has inflicted this suffering on me. He must have some divine plan for me.

After all, remember the Beatitudes; blessed are those who suffer because of God. I screamed and cried looking at the mounted crucifix. He must be making me suffer because He wants me to be strong. I wiped my tears and decided to act according to societal expectations. There must be a reason for the suffering and it’s because of me. My suffering is glorious in God’s eyes. 

I got out of my room, wiped my tears and accepted the pain and suffering. I suppressed my real self; everything I say and do must be double, nay, triple-checked. Every impression I leave on people must be the correct one. My real self is worthless and unacceptable. Thus, this is God’s will.

The above excerpt is from a monologue I've written for a special event. Yes, it is from me. This actually happened because I was foolish enough to take this Beatitude seriously: "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth". So, yes; this is part of the emotional reason why I am against religion. Don't get me wrong, as much as I fantasize about Roman Catholicism being abolished, its temples burned and its priests killed; people will still need their religion, their opium so to speak. I've chosen not to partake of this opium but I can't deny people their need of opium just as long as they don't force it down upon me.

So the question should not be "why am I so against religion" but rather "why am I not as militant as I should have the right to be". A part of it is due to my former Jesuit masters. Due to their progressive mindset and love of critical thinking; I've seen the possible good Catholicism can do. However, don't expect me to go back to its fold. I will criticize their stupidity and ignorance because I can and it shouldn't go unchallenged. Also, I exist to give an alternative viewpoint that is not god-centric. Godlessness need not be nihilistic. 

Large part of who I am is because of this "loving" religion. I can't deny I'm a bit of a suplado but it is partly a defense mechanism I've used. I've moved forward and holding negative emotions will only weaken me. I have only myself to blame for taking Roman Catholicism seriously. Heck this quote from Naruto is what keeps me positive about humanity; well I've paraphrased it. 

Gaara: (to Sasuke) The reason why I can still see and appreciate the light is because I've been in darkness.

Deconversion Reason

"Despite its brash, vehemently polemical, and perhaps, yes, UNCHRISTIAN LANGUAGE, the editorial sought out to remind educators and planners that they have certain duties and obligations to fulfill in the interest of the Christian communion." (emphasis mine). Taken from here

Well...there at it again. Those guys at the Varsitarian. Oh I am not going to react to their article. I wouldn't want to dignify their "writing" with a response. But one thing struck me, as I scrolled down my mini-Facebook rant: this passage that I particularly highlighted. You see, rather than acting all stressed and murderous, I have Thomasian-Lukan colleagues and I wouldn't want my interactions with them to be spoiled by those guys at the Varsitarian; I treated their article as a puzzle game of "Name That Fallacy!".

I highlighted this passage not because it is a fallacy but because it was so true. Don't you find it weird that conservative Christians espousing love and charity in their hearts would stoop down to name-calling? I can imagine the 15th century Filipino version:

Spaniard: (first time encountering Filipinos) You heathens!!!! You do not believe in Christ! Convert or die!!! We must purge you of your un-godly influences

True enough, that was what actually happened to our country.

But let's explore this tendency of religion to fall into hypocrisy. In my view, it's the ambiguity of the teaching themselves. Let's examine one teaching:

"Love one another as I have loved you" 

So, initially sounds good enough. Love is a positive emotion so we, being human, would naturally be inclined to love. And it calls for us to love fellow human beings. But let us dig deeper. What is exactly meant by "love one another"? Do I give him/her food or only when he/she is hungry? Do I permanently invite him/her to my house and be responsible for his/her welfare?

But, wait, some may object. The basis is a god. Sure but what god? I mean, it's not like a god descended upon our reality and left verifiable and immutable evidence of his/her/its existence and left a very convincing and very complete set of ethical guidelines to follow. Notice the many religions that exist in the world and with each religion having various sects, sub-sects, cults and sub-cults etc etc etc. So I say, which god?

See, it's not exact. Even if you say that there is god behind it; the word "god" only becomes a concept to be used as sort of a basis for actions or guidelines which may or may not have (but mostly doesn't have) a basis in reality. Try it. You can use the "god" in a sentence to justify just about any atrocity; just don't expect it to work on rational people.

I can see why some would use this as a basis for keeping my former professors in line. They, meaning the Varsitarian writer/writers are doing their brash name-calling out of a sense of love and duty to a deity. They wish to spread the message of love and understanding emanating from their deity through their use of harsh words and fallacies.

I know, my neurons just got injured by just typing that sentence but it sort of makes sense. Remember, I used to be a Catholic so I know how they think. See, that's exactly the reason why I abandoned religion. I'm required to make sense of such view points and, heavens forbid, be forced to do atrocious actions out of a misplaced belief that an out-worldly deity compels me. I really wonder about the assumption that without a god, people are compelled to crimes and unethical actions when, clearly, the reality is against them. Heck, I don't feel compelled to take a chainsaw and murder my 90 classmates.

So if I hear, "YOU'RE GODLESS!!!". I'll say, "Thanks!"

Start of the Lukan Medical Journey

Interviewer: So...bakit hindi ka nag-apply sa ASMPH?

That was always the question I've encountered during my interview process for medical school applications. Well, they had a point. I was an Ateneo graduate and given there is a medical school catering for Ateneans (not that ASMPH doesn't accept outsiders; they give more slots to Atenean graduates compared to other graduates).

Thinking back at that process, I have to come back to this fundamental question: why Medicine?

I graduated high school thinking I would end up being a doctor because I loved Biology (was the one who got highest in our Biology diagnostic test; beating even the top 1). And it was no-brainer that I would pick a pre-medical course among the two schools that I applied to and got accepted for. Heck, people were expecting me to become a doctor because of my intelligence.

I sauntered into ADMU thinking I was going to have an easy time but, boy, was I wrong. It was hard; I'm not going to lie. If before teachers don't check your essays; in ADMU they actually do. But I eventually got over the shock and adjusted. Still loved the sciences but it got me thinking, is this what am I going to be doing all my life, studying? And I admit it; I got lazier in college compared to high school. I was so used to doing nothing yet doing so well in exams that I was unused to working hard for kick-ass grades. In fact, if it weren't for the sciences; my QPI might have been so low (those core subjects were the one that lowered my QPI; not those hard science subjects).

It was 2007 when ASMPH opened its doors and being in ADMU; it was advertised to us. Something about breeding the new breed of doctors. It offered something new: a MD/MBA program. Well, that's one option.
However, at the same year; got sick and had to leave for 1 semester thereby getting delayed. I didn't pursue the option of finishing on time because that would have entailed a lot of stress.

So at the beginning of my last semester in ADMU; most of my batchmates were in Medicine (most were in ASMPH while some chose UST-FMS and UERMMC and 2 went to UPCM). During this last semester; since I had finished all my Science subjects except for Organic Chemistry and those left were the core subjects. Tried to add Biochemistry because I still had another elective slot in my program (and to keep the ASMPH option open) but the professor forced me to withdraw because she feared I might not do well in her class seeing that I haven't completed Organic Chemistry.

At the course of that last semester, I realized something...damn it, I miss Biology more specifically those related to the human body. I realized I don't love animals, plants and microorganisms at all...and dare I say it; I WANT TO BE A FUCKING PHYSICIAN!!! I've been deluding myself. I mean it is a long journey but I love love (even triple love) studying Science especially related to Medicine.

It was in the Rizal Library while indulging in the free computer access that I realized this simple and immutable fact. Something that I've been hiding from myself for the past years. So I instantly registered for the NMAT on the spot and enrolled myself in an NMAT review class without first telling my parents. I immediately called my mother and told her my decision and told her of the fees that need to be paid.

But I couldn't apply to ASMPH because of their Biochemistry pre-requisite. Err...I don't want to spend a semester just studying Biochemistry. So what were my options:

UST-FMS: I'm not used to a conservative environment and I have this irrational fear that I might burn if I stepped into their campus so no.

UERMMC: Check

UPCM: Hmmm...I don't have connections nor do I have a laude to my name. But mother coerced me later...fine (but wasn't expecting to be accepted).

Needed another option. I happen to stumble upon the Facebook page of my other 2 batch mates and low and behold; it said "currently studying at SLCM-WHQM". Interesting, these two are smart and the epitome of what an Atenean is expected to be so why aren't they at ASMPH?

Okay, so 3 options: UPCM, UERMMC and SLCM-WHQM. I toured the respective schools to pump myself for the upcoming NMAT.

UPCM: Okay...I totally envision myself here.

UERMMC: Let's just say it's near an LRT line.

SLCM-WHQM: Just one building and simple. No other impression.

Got an NMAT score that's respectable but not enough for UPCM, well-within their range but not quite (not to mention my laude-less status) but for the 2 other choices good enough. All that's left is completing the application form. Submitted my applications for the first 2 well before the end of their respective deadlines while for the last one, still had January to file it.

January. Submitted the last of my application forms to SLCM-WHQM...and got an interview scheduled already for next week. Like I submitted it at 9: 00 am and got a call at 3: 00 pm from the Registrar saying I had an interview schedule for next week. Wow. Even my parents were impressed at the speed.

While UERMMC has yet to contact me at that time.

So the interview date came. I gelled my hair, shaved and dressed formally (even brought a necktie). What I immediately noticed was how friendly the people were. And the library...damn! It was so decadent and ostentatious; I couldn't believe I thought the college was just simple.But before the interview proper; we interviewees were made to watch a presentation about SLCM-WHQM. And I was hooked. They were geared towards excellence and they had the results to show for it (a consistent 100% PRC board passing rate; something which no other medical school in the Philippines can currently boast of).

SLCM-WHQM Interviewer: So...we come to the last part of this interview...

Me: (Ahh...the-if-you-were-accepted-to-all-your-choices-would-you-still-choose-us-question)

SLCM-WHQM Interview:  If you were accepted to all three choices would you still enroll at SLCM-WHQM?

Me: (After being impressed by your library, your results and the general atmosphere; heck, it was like being back at the Ateneo; do I need to answer that!) Well, seeing as I didn't get accepted at UPCM; the initial list of interviewees were released. Realistically, my choice would be between UERMMC and SLCM-WHQM. And I can honestly say I would choose SLCM-WHQM because it is so much better.

*note: Wasn't ass-kissing at this point; I was like 100% sure of my decision at that moment. Heck, those guys at UERMMC were taking so long. Eventually got the interview schedule from UERMMC (the dean personally called our house to inform us of the interview date but in my mind, too little too late). But didn't sabotage my interview with them so still got accepted at UERMMC.

So did I really miss out on a lot of things just because I didn't take the extra mile to take up Biochemistry even as a non-credit course? For one thing, I would like to go back to that professor that forced me to withdraw and show her my current grades in Biochemistry. I can imagine her surprise (and her jaw dropping, and recanting what she said to me). And another thing, lots of things wouldn't have happened to me if I opted  for Sta. Mesa instead of E. Rodriquez.

Here's a list:
1. Wouldn't have met an SLMC-Global and SLMC-QC consultant that also sidelines as a yoga instructor while teaching at ADMU. Yep, I'm still flabbergasted.

2. http://thelukanmd.blogspot.com/2012/11/facebook-post.html. It hurt, yes, but I still have the privilege of having someone that amazing as a friend. That someone changed my life and quite possibly eviscerated any last lingering doubts I had about myself (and some of these doubts came from taking Catholicism seriously).

3. Given the very flexible schedule and requirements; it gives time to develop one's self. I still manage to maintain a healthy lifestyle (exercise and eat right). I don't even look like a typical medical student because of this. Heck, I still manage to meet new people outside of my expected social circles.

4. The very first Lukan MS/MD hybrid and The Lukan Radiologist/Researcher. Yes, such people exist. I was initially repulsed by research but because of these people I can see the importance of research. I may not follow in their footsteps but I am open to research collaborations.

As another unexpected friend sums it up, "I'm so glad you're from a non-pedigreed medical school".

However, being in a graduate school is no fun and games. But as long as you know your reasons and they are sound; go for it. It's all in the time management and scheduling skills. And don't let your undergraduate experience define your graduate experience.

FYI: You'd be surprised at the two subjects keeping me afloat. They absolutely have nothing to do with my course.

And another thing, it was a good thing I was lazy during college. Might have gotten a magna cum laude or, heavens forbid, a summa cum laude and got accepted at UPCM and currently being in under so much stress; they have patient encounters in their 1st year proper already. Not that I'm saying it's a crappy school but the workload might have literally killed me.

Final Note: Since SLCM-WHQM stands from St. Luke's College of Medicine - William H. Quasha Memorial; the noun "Lukan" comes from St. Luke's. It was coined during Batch 2012's commencement exercises to connote people who come from this school.

How the Anti-Reproductive Health Bill Camp Ruined My Day

(Wrote this after "Sottogate" broke loose, and originally posted in pinoy.md)

(Disclaimer: This, in no way, represents an attack on people who are against the Reproductive Health Bill, RH Bill for short. Heck, it is within everyone’s right to have a personal say on the matter whether it be for or against or “I don’t care”. Why there is a need to be a disclaimer at the very beginning of this essay will be made clear)

Are we still in the Middle Ages? Given the fact that there is an “esteemed” senator who not only plagiarized a certain blogger but also has the balls to say “why should I acknowledge her, she’s just a blogger “(paraphrased and translated into English).

And then, his attorney made things even worse. This attorney apologized to the said blogger not through formal e-mail but through the COMMENTS section of the said blog. Mr. Attorney, I don’t know what school you came from but you seemed to have forgotten the simple rule of intellectual property rights. You have to acknowledge your sources; there is no such thing as a “follow-up” acknowledgement. If you didn’t acknowledge your source in your work (in this case a speech) then you have committed plagiarism.

You didn’t even have the nicety to personally e-mail the blogger and apologize to her there. Even when you were already caught stealing; you still have the balls to ask the blogger to join your cause. To think, you were thoroughly schooled, college and then law school.

Such a shame; I’m not even going to ask what law school you went to. The answer might just irritate me further.

So are we still in the Middle Ages? Well, idiotic people have existed back then and even up until now. What’s worse, they don’t even know they have committed something wrong; so they hide it, create more lies and fallacies. So no, it’s not this “esteemed” senator and attorney that has ruined my particular day.

To give a better picture, let me first describe how they have ruined my day:

During the Habagat rains, when the entire city was flooded; school was cancelled. Of course, being a medical student requires one to study even in the face of floods but when the flood waters have already reached your home, you evacuate.

Anyway, my residence wasn’t flooded and also my family’s residence so I’m thankful for that. While I was checking Facebook; one of my online contacts forwarded an image of a tweet to me. What I saw made my crappy day even crappier and even replaced my feeling of hopelessness into outright indignation.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if the rain was God’s way of saying no to the RH-Bill (paraphrased)”.

I had to read it again so that I can be sure I was still in the 21^st century. After reading it many times; I was sure of what it said. I was so indignant and so angry. The very nerve of these people! So while our fellow Filipinos are being pounded by the torrential rains, their homes and properties and even their lives endangered; you have to use these very rains to give credence to your cause. Of all the times; if it was within my capacity I would have flung these people in the middle of the floods.

If the waters don’t claim your life; I hope leptospirosis will.

And then, when I thought nothing would have added further to my indignation; I just had to receive a particular petition in my Facebook, 1 week after the Habagat rains.

That petition called for the immediate resignation of my former professors because they have committed “academic tyranny”. 

So now, since my former professors have taken a stance, and they even took the precaution of including a disclaimer in their position paper that in no way does their stance reflect the Ateneo de Manila University’s stance on the RH Bill; that petition calls for them to be meted out sanctions. Even when they have painstakingly made it clear that it is their personal stance; they must be punished because it is contrary to what the Catholic Church believes.

So again, I ask, are we still in the Middle Ages?

Apparently when the Catholic Church teaches us about freedom and the dignity of the human person; it’s only valid when you blindly follow what they say. Forget about your personal dignity; you have to follow what they say or else. What is now lacking is the reinstatement of the Inquisition. I can even see Pope Alexander VI on the papal throne because of the intense hypocrisy being committed.

And now, the coup de grace to the ruining of my day and my disillusionment. This is now the root cause in which I can now say that: I AM ASHAMED OF BEING FORCIBLY BAPTIZED INTO THE ROMAN CATHOLIC DENOMINATION. Yes, I’ll repeat that: I am ashamed of being a Roman Catholic.

So the main cause of this disillusionment: certain anti-RH comments. If you read some of them; you’d think were still in the Middle Ages. Again, go against what the Church says; you are an infidel. Don’t believe me, search around; you might even find someone who has a picture of a Crusader with the tagline of “Anti-RH” juxtaposed with the said Crusader as their main profile picture.

Now people disapproving of the RH Bill are Crusaders and people for the RH Bill are infidels? Words can’t even describe the horror I felt when it finally hit me there was something wrong with using a picture of a Crusader. Does this person have any idea of what the Crusaders did during the Crusades?

Let’s refresh everyone’s memory. The Crusades was basically an invasion sanctioned by the Popes to re-take Jerusalem because of its significance to Christianity. Remember, this was where Christ was judged by Pontius Pilate and then sentenced to crucifixion. So the Popes back then, preaching piety and holiness, sanctioned thousands of Europeans to kill a lot of people a.k.a. infidels. These so-called “infidels” were already living in peace when these Europeans, spurred on by the then-Holy Fathers, killed them and invaded their lands. Don’t even use the “it was a different time, different society” argument with me. You can’t deny what they did.

We are now cast as “Crusaders” and “infidels”, what’s next, the Inquisition?

Again I go back to the petition against my former professors. One alumnus even commented that these professors can’t express their own views because they belong to a Catholic university and that critical thinking must always serve an agenda. So again, we see the hypocrisy at hand. You are only free if you follow what they say.

We’re not in the Middle Ages after all. Somehow, we are stuck in a place where two different historical periods intersect. On the one hand, it’s the time of the Crusades and on the other hand, it’s the time of Pope Alexander VI.

*notes on this essay: I know, it's an unusual break from what I usually post (anything medical school related). But it was because of the sheer disgust I felt at what some people were saying just to further their own beliefs that I felt compelled to write down my disgust. Again I reiterate, this is not an attack on those people who are against the RH Bill. Rather it is my indignation at the manner at which some of them argue. In the midst of their arguments, I'm struggling to find the Catholic concept of love.

Anyway, I think as medical professionals (even medical students) have to have stances on anything political. We are after all going to treat people and people do not just exist in the biological sense. They are affected by societal, psychological, legal and political structures. We can't treat people in a vacuum after all. 

Here's the link to said petition: http://www.gopetitio...-de-manila.html 

Cigarette Smoke

(Wrote this after watching the Cinemalaya film: "Ang Nawawala". See, I do watch something local; just as long it's sensible. Originally posted in pinoy.md)

Weeks have gone by without me noticing them passing by. What I wouldn’t give for a cigarette stick in between my fingers, taking a very rewarding puff while listening to sappy and sad songs. There is something in smoking that makes it so conducive for channeling tragedy. Sometimes alcohol doesn’t serve your need to be sad; hence, you turn to smoking. But what I have instead is a bowl of cereal full of milk.

I have to blame the latest film out of the Cinemalaya rosters, Ang Nawawala. For some inconceivable reason; I found myself going to Gateway despite the fact I have exams less than 2 weeks away. Well, I had to mourn how my GWA, Grade Weight Average, resembles a striptease.

A striptease. A person either an attractive man or woman slowly takes off his/her clothes in an artistic manner. It is done painfully slow, to remind the viewer how beautifully sculpted the wearer’s body is. It serves to enhance the details of the stripper: every sumptuous curve and every bit of exposed unblemished skin. Notice how the lingerie or underwear seems not to cover anything at all. The aureole or breasts of the women are barely covered to give it a semblance of decency while for the men; the family jewels are snugly covered. In short, suggestive covering. But I digress. 

The one thing my GWA has with a striptease is how close it is to the required average, for the scholarship, yet so far. It was as if I witnessing a titillating bevy of strippers taking their clothes slowly yet I am not allowed to touch nor fornicate with them. Well, that’s exactly the point of a striptease by leaving the viewer in exquisite agony; how the viewer will never meet someone with a body as perfect as the stripper’s. 

For some reason, without knowing any background about that film; I decided to watch it. Well, it did not fit my expectations. I actually prefer films like that instead of predictable films but that backfired on me. It made me more depressed upon leaving the cinema. Because that film had so many issues, it pulled out my issues as well. Everything about that film was so perfect, perfect blending of acting, rock music and story-telling that in the end you can’t help but feel something. Unfortunately for me, that feeling was depression.

I was tempted to act out many of the film’s scenes, especially the ones with cigarette smoking, that I had to restrain myself from buying menthol lights, my former preferred cigarettes, from the nearest 7-11. For some reason, there really is something powerful lying in a bathtub, smoking a joint and watching the smoke dissipate into the surrounding air. It was as if you were watching your problem dissipate into nothingness.

And from mourning my striptease GWA, I turned to mourning my failures, and lack of, relationships. So I had no choice but to re-enact those scenes minus of course the smoking. But I did listen to sad songs. I thought I had outgrown my issues but I was mistaken. Deep emotional scars are so hard to wipe out.

Get hurt once and you think there is no more hope. Longing for romantic relationships gets tinged with fear of getting hurt and rejected. And that is putting it lightly. Sometimes, it may require you seek the sanctuary of cigarettes because you can’t drown your sorrows in alcohol. And then, you take a cab alone; slumped to one side, still thinking how that b*tch tore your heart to pieces but you can’t bawl it out inside the cab so you hold it.

It is when you get off that cab that you collapse on the sidewalk and cry. Cry like you’ve never cried before. The tears don’t stop flowing down your face; you are reduced to waterworks and as much as you try to stop, you just can’t. Somehow, after that episode, you get the energy to get off that sidewalk and go to your room but because you are now inside a covered place; you start round 2 of the waterworks. You start acting irrational, seeking answers from a supernatural being but there are no answers coming. And that’s just hours prior to being rejected; I haven’t even factored the days, months and years after that fatal rejection.

I used to think that having a relationship would heal me but, as a fellow colleague advised, that’s just selfish thinking. That was one rationale behind not shaving because a relationship is destined so I ended up having a think moustache and beard. But I had reneged on that foolishness. Still a pain to shave but getting used to it; after all, going to become a physician, can’t end up looking so unhygienic. So yes, that also makes me look younger than I actually am. Sometimes, I still miss the 3 – month beard and mustache combo however it reduces the chances of one-night stands. 

The issues never really leave you. Sometimes, it just takes a well-made film to bring them out again. Who knows, months or years after this is posted; I’ll get over my katorpehan, which I have been told are baseless because I am tall, I’m 5’10”, athletic, well manages to work out despite being in medical school, and has the looks, I’ve been told by strangers. Anyway, no problem with a bit of sadness and depression here and there; it helps in the healing process. 

(Notes: back to regular programming. Anyway, helps me de -stress if I write down my emotions in essays (used to draw and paint a very long time ago but lost that talent.) Also, hope someone gets something out of this; not just my graphic descriptions. I have a feeling; I'm going to be posting a lot more emotions as I progress in year level). 

Facebook Post

(And this one was just recently written and posted on my FB wall. Wrote it to get over that person)

One of the rare moments I type something deep about relationships (okay, this is something induced by the magic powers of Tanduay Ice which by the way I am not going to drink anymore).

If there was a god/goddess of balance; I would trade my brains and intelligence to be someone near your standards. If it was within my power; I would trade my insane dream of physician-hood just to meet your criteria. If I can, I would go back in time and suppress my scientific leanings and go with the corporate world. I would give up my dream with no regrets. 

If only...

But I can't. I can't change who I am and what I want. This is me, with the honesty and awkwardness. This is me with the bluntness and transparency. This is me, struggling with these types of emotions because such emotions are my weakness. This is all of me: nothing is held back and nothing is hidden because I believe in giving one's self fully to an Other. Funny how you're made aware of your heart beating when you're intimately studying the intricacies of the human body.

This is not a call for pity. Heck, I hate being pitied upon. Rather, this is a rant made possible by Tanduay Ice. Couple that while taking a cab home with sappy 80's love songs being played over the car radio. And while typing this; listened to sad songs.

You say I'll meet someone better but I don't know. There is no one better. I may seem this storm of emotions but I'm more like a North star shining constantly and brightly. Honestly, I do not make statements lightly. I stand by with what I say.

This is not out of desperation. This is just me typing, with Tanduay Ice making my fingers dance along the keyboard faster. You may laugh at this because I cite Tanduay Ice as my influence but doesn't alcohol remove your inhibitions? In my case, it focuses my mind.

I may die tomorrow, or the day after or even 6 hours from now but I am certain of my prior statements. We may come from different and opposite backgrounds but that's the beauty of it.

But of course, the ball is in your court. If there is a god/goddess of balance; I would not ask that deity to change your mind.

Later, I'll wake up. You may or may not read this post but it doesn't matter. This isn't even a confession because you've already known this. You'll go your separate way and I'll go mine. We'll still be friends but whatever happens after this post doesn't change what I typed here.

(P.S. Thinking of you as my inspiration for Biochemistry did work. Got an 86.95 for my final grade in the 3rd Block. If I happen to top the Boards; you'll know that at least you're partly responsible). 

Desires in the Wrong Place

(Brief background about this piece. Wrote in during June/July and posted it originally in pinoy.md. Posting it here to give something different.)

As the days in Medicine become weeks; these weeks, in turn, has become into a single month. It feels even more because of the manner of teaching and the topics themselves. It feels so easy to turn this written piece into a tirade against medical life but that is the reality of the profession. At a moment’s notice someone might be in need of your expertise and part of the necessary repertoire of skills in a physician’s arsenal is one’s knowledge. And this knowledge has to be metaphorically hammered inside one’s cerebral cortex. One can take the occasional breaks from the hammering but one cannot avoid the inevitable: the hammering will really test a person’s mettle.

Surprisingly, despite this constant hammering; there is time to feel those emotions. Much to one’s chagrin, no matter how much suppression and control that is applied towards the emotions; one’s body betrays itself. So much for being an empty vessel of knowledge, one can’t help being human.

So this is a tirade after all but directed towards that quintessential topic that brings about jitters in unexpected places and suicide in extreme cases: Love. Ah Love, something that is, in reality, simple but we, being human, make it so complicated. It’s responsible for bringing out the best in us but conversely also the worst in us. To make matters worse, Love comes in many types; all types are essentially damning. Well, except Lust because it is straight-forward.

Wear something nice. Spot someone desirable. Smoldering look directed. “Rules” of seduction and then BHAM! One can argue that Love comes before Lust but its like the “Chicken and the Egg analogy”; you really can’t tell which came first. But, you’d be long gone and satisfied before you’d make sense of this quandary.

Wouldn't you know; it is actually possible to be brought back into high school when entering Medicine. No matter how much we tell ourselves that 100% of all attention shall be towards studies only; the body brings your mind towards the aesthetics of your classmates. All rationality ceases when you gaze upon the unfortunate object of your affections. For some reason, you want to be close to that one. No matter how different your worlds are; in this case, college alma maters, you want to always talk with that person. It doesn’t help that you belong in a minority. But that doesn't matter to you; you’d want to be close at hand.

When you notice that she/he is facing difficulty, you’d be overwhelmed with the desire to help. No matter how many times you’ve seen that person; you are compelled to look again. Each successive glance only makes you notice how desirable that person is. No matter how many times you’ve stared at that person’s face; you can’t seem to memorize every pore and crease present. So strategies are devised and one of them is a pathetic attempt to intrude in that person’s circle of friends. You try to strike a conversation and smile at that person but because of the difference in backgrounds, sensibilities and college alma maters; you’re the one that’s left out.

With the blessing of social media, you can now secretly stare at that person (in this case, the photos posted). You never seem to get tired and you notice the posts present. It saddens your heart that some of the posts are about that person’s pining and how it seems that that person is lamenting being ignored. You tell yourself that you can be the source of comfort but you’re just too scared and tell yourself that there’s no way that person is going to fall for one such as me. You then try to strike up a conversation using Facebook but just because the status says “Online” doesn't necessarily mean available. And when that person replies, you can only use Medicine as a cover story to make conversation.

And there are the painful pangs of pre-jealousy. It only becomes jealousy when you’re actually doing something to get that person’s affections and failing. But pre-jealousy hurts just as much as the full-blown version. So, there you are; whose last resorts are futile attempts at strands of conversation either in person or in Facebook. Even more pathetic is following the postings and commenting. But, the most painful of all is being ignored in person because that person’s attention is directed towards another. That, ranks as the most excruciating knife in the metaphorical heart.

Worst of all, much as you try to do the rational thing (either man up and tell that person or totally ignore these emotions); your metaphorical heart betrays you. You’d think that after how many bad experiences in romance, one’s desire towards that all-elusive emotion has been dampened. So you currently fight on. It’s either the feelings of affections die off or grows. Either way, you’re screwed.

In this is all in the first month and first year of Medicine. So, it’s not just time that’s compressed in medical life but all other facets and turmoil of life. God help all physician-to-bes

A Bus Ride Down South

Due to pressing needs, I had to cut class and attend to matters in the South. So I took a bus ride and it was the usual (Manila traffic, bus stops every now and then, etc). The same-same but when the bus arrived at Sucat; he just had to take the particular bus I was on. At first, I didn't notice him but when he stood up with a bible in hand; that raised a particular red flag in me.

Me: *facepalm*. (Not one of those guys again)

So he preached a particular verse (I think verses from Mark, Matthew, John and Luke are all the rage by road-side missionaries). I tuned out. Thankfully, even though he has a portable head-microphone; traffic was drowning his words. Of all the unlikely things I'll be thankful for: Manila Traffic. But, damn, these road-side missionaries are getting upgraded. It used to be that they had no head-microphone; anyway I digress.

I mean I can't throttle him because it's his right to say something even when its religious but I also have the right to not listen. Can they like preach somewhere else but I guess that's not possible in this country. Actually, I wanted him to speed up his preaching and get to the real reason why he boarded the bus.

Road-side missionary: "Ang pagbibigay ng LOVE OFFERING...(emphasis mine)"

I wasn't disappointed in that regard. And it was attached to the necessary phrase that giving these "love offerings" are pleasing for a god. Well, discarding for the fact that a god/goddess by definition is a supernatural entity (what would this entity have need of money for exactly?) and by what authority does this road-side missionary have in soliciting money from us passengers. How do we know exactly we are giving the money to the right god given the fact that there are many religions (and each religion has different sects)?

I'm not even going to make sense of these questions because quite frankly; I'm tired of making excuses for religion. It really takes mental gymnastics to accept tenets of faith.

Anyway, one reasonable and pragmatic cause I can think of why would anyone give these so-called "love offerings" is that they do good to those who need it. Well, it is true; there are Catholic charities in the world. I'm not going to deny that. But here's the thing: not everything Catholic is good.

I mean, can we honestly say there are no child-molesters in the Roman Catholic Church? This is easily verified by a quick Google search and ignorance of these matters are of no excuse. And how can we Filipinos forget how Catholic Spain literally and metaphorically fucked us.

That mestizo/mestiza(half-Spaniard/half-Filipino) friend you know is a product of an affair between a Spanish friar and a Filipina. So those scenes in Rizal's "Noli Me Tangere" (the affair of Padre Damaso with Pia Alba, Maria Clara's mother, and the rape scene between Padre Salvi and Maria Clara are coming from somewhere; well to be fair, Padre Salvi is a Filipino but still a friar). And need I mention polo y servicios and indulgenia plenaria?

So don't give to charity? Well, I am in no position to tell you what to do with your pesos. It's your pesos after all. Besides, I didn't say there was anything wrong with altruism.

MY PERSONAL VIEW: I won't give to the Catholic Church but that won't stop me from giving money to reputable charities (I used to give money to road-side beggars but a certain E. Rodriguez incident happened to me so I won't be doing that again. I'll tell that particular story one of these days).

Introductions

Well...seeing that someone approached me on Facebook to put up a blog because I post interesting things (especially religion). He said it was such a waste that all those points are buried in Facebook. He actually hit it spot on. That was really my intention.

But, I guess; I'm here now in the blogging sphere so that any points I raise are not lost in the mundane world of Facebook. Of course, I'm not going to say that all my points are valid; I am after all a human being with different biases after all. You're free to debate them if you wish; however, I will not tolerate fallacies (ad hominems and the like).

Here's a guide of what NOT to do: http://rosarubicondior.blogspot.co.uk/2011/08/so-youve-decided-to-be-apologist-for.html

Before everything else: I am not anymore a Catholic. Due to intellectual, emotional and ethical reasons; I cannot call myself one anymore. I am not on a drive to de-convert anyone but I cannot deny that some of my posts will be about criticizing Catholicism because it has left a scar upon me.

And some vital information about me:
From pre-school, grade school to high school: A Catholic School somewhere in the south
College: AdMU

So if anything; I'm a bit tired of hearing tales about atheist Iskos/Iskas talking about how they used to be lost and finally found solace with religion. Not that I hold that against them (it is their choice after all) but it perpetuates a stereotype that just because you come from UP; you don't have any religion. While coming from a Catholic college; you're religious (I actually know 2 batchmates who are not religious).

I'm here to disprove that.

(Oh yeah, please don't Sotto-copy me. If you want to use my points; just make sure you give the link and the context is not altered).